On Survival

I have been abused more than once.  With my father, it was psychological.  With more than one partner, it was physical as well. I do battle with my depression and anxiety daily. I have  lost many of my possessions due to messy break-ups, financial hardship, and Hurricane Katrina.  Getting through my days is often quite the struggle for me.

 These past few weeks, I’ve been tired of fighting.  So I gave up for a while.  My job and my bed were my two primary destinations.  I would try to address other things in my life, but exhaustion would overwhelm me and I’d crawl back into my room, letting my dreams become the entirety of my life’s current experiences.

So today, as I lay curled up in my bed, my heart pounding like a frightened rabbit’s, willing myself into the protective cocoon of the twilit, non-living and non-dead escape sleep to which I’d been succumbing regularly, a thought occurred to me.  More than occurred, I believe it was revealed to me.

So what if I have been hit, verbally attacked?  So what if I have been thought the worst of, abandoned, betrayed by those who were supposed to love me?  So what if my financial house of cards occasionally collapses?  So what if my own thoughts and brain chemicals work against me?  Does it mean I’m ruined?

Am I ruined?

Too many people have attempted to ruin me, whether knowingly or as a sort of  collateral damage left along their life’s path.  Too many natural disasters, illnesses and accidents have been thrown in my way.  Too many personal demons have lured me into impulsive and damaging behavior.   I’m sure there isn’t some cosmic “quota” of how much crap a person should take, but I do believe it’s true that I’ve had a great big helping of it.  So what now?

I look in the mirror.  Am I worn, wrinkled, bloated, scarred?  Yes.

Am I ruined?  No.

No.

And I will not be ruined, not by people (each with his or her own personal torment, after all), not by nature (with its own path to follow), not by my mind (because my spirit is more than my brain).

I will not be ruined.  I have already survived almost a half-century of this life.  I will continue until I am called elsewhere.  And when I am, I will perhaps be worn and physically fragile, but not ruined.

Never ruined.

Advertisements

Join the conversation!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s