Misplaced Blame

“If you didn’t piss me off so much, I wouldn’t react this way.”

When he said that to me,  I responded with, “Spoken like a true abuser. You treat me this way because I make you angry. Of course.”

The reality was, I hadn’t done anything to him apart from being myself. Furthermore, even if I had done something to anger him, it didn’t give him license to abuse me the way he did. Ever. Sadly, I have heard abuse victims rationalize the abuse this way, using the words of their abusers. That’s how effectively brainwashed we become ~ we actually believe it’s our fault that they act the way they do. “If I would just do what he wants, things would be okay between us.” “If I just stopped making him mad, I wouldn’t provoke him enough to want to beat me up.” “He’s under immense pressure because of {insert reason here} and I just need to stay out of his way.”

Please, please, please hear me. If you take away nothing else from reading this article, please heed the following:

  • You have no control over your abuser.
  • You don’t take hold of his/her arm and slap/punch yourself with it.
  • You don’t hand him/her a list of abusive dialogue, complete with your blessing to use it against you.
  • You don’t tell him/her to give you intimidating stares or to threaten your life.
  • You don’t have the power to make your abuser do anything because your abuser is the one who has assumed all the power in your relationship.

For your abuser to say that “you” make “him/her” do what s/he does is indicative of his/her warped sense of reality. Not only has s/he assumed power over you but s/he also chooses to exploit it to maintain control over you. S/he will justify the need to intensify the abuse, without regard for limitations or boundaries, as long as s/he keeps you in the relationship.

We, as a society, must devote time and effort to educating our future generations about what constitutes a healthy relationship, including what is acceptable treatment and what is not. Our sons, daughters, grandsons, granddaughters must never believe that provoking anger, within a committed relationship, is just cause for being abused, nor must they ever believe that they are justified in administering abuse because they’re angry, stressed, frustrated, jealous, etc.

As always, we’re here to help.

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2 thoughts on “Misplaced Blame

  1. “…educating our future generations about what constitutes a healthy relationship….”

    Indeed we should, but it takes a special kind of person to render this education. As soon as the curtain is pulled back, it may reveal spirits from hell… a thing not to take lightly, yet requires a light touch to handle.

    Liked by 1 person

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